


aaron hotchner and the grim reaper

by yourlocalheartbreaker



Series: sumayyah writes drabbles! [4]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Basically, But Everyone In The Team Thinks About It, Gen, Hotch Does Not Die, I'm Not Actually Sure What This Is, Introspection, References to Suicide, discussions about death, potentially, so does Jack, so does hotch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:41:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29178888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourlocalheartbreaker/pseuds/yourlocalheartbreaker
Summary: the bau think about hotch dying.so does jack.so does aaron.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & Jack Hotchner, The BAU Team & Aaron Hotchner
Series: sumayyah writes drabbles! [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2142066
Kudos: 12





	aaron hotchner and the grim reaper

**Author's Note:**

> tw: hospitals, shootings, death, suicide

The team think about Hotch dying. Not because they want to but because there have been so many close calls and with their jobs, it’s impossible not to think about. They want him to die when he’s retired and old. They know that much. Morgan doesn’t want Hotch to die when he’s in the field because he can’t be the one to tell Jack he’s an orphan but he also won’t let anyone else tell them.

The two of them have a pact that nobody- not even Penelope and Dave- know about it. They made it after Boston. If either of them die, the other one informs their family.

Jack thinks about his dad dying, especially as a teenager. He’s always understood the mortality of people because he was never allowed to believe his parents were invincible. One of his earliest memories of his dad is of him in the hospital, too weak to even lift his own arms. He knows that one day his dad will die and it scares him to the point that when he’s on a case, Jessica has to be the one to answer the phone.

Rational thought tells him it’s just a scammer, or recorded message but in the back of his mind, there’s always the thought that perhaps it’s the hospital to say he had a heart attack. Or Derek saying he’s so sorry but they couldn’t save him and they weren’t fast enough.

Jessica won’t let Jack answer the phone when Hotch is on a case. She also spends the night whenever he comes back with injuries because if Jack was the one to find that he’s gone in his sleep she would never forgive herself.

Hotch also thinks about him dying. And the way that he wants to die, not because he’s suicidal but because everyone thinks about it. And because he has a son with no mother. What will happen to Jack when he dies? Jessica is already doing more than she should, asking her to become even more of a parent would be unfair.

He doesn’t want to die in the line of duty. He saw how hard the team had taken her death. He’d carried out the grief assessments, both because the bureau needed to know they believed it was real and as his penance. They’d been broken. Especially Derek. Good, kind. strong, caring and loving Derek who had taken every single younger agent under his wing and made them felt safe. He’d seen how they had each blamed themselves, and he knew that, even though it would probably be the fastest way to go, he can’t go. Not now he knows how much extra guilt it would case.

And he can’t die at home. He can’t have Jack associating the apartment with death. Not after what happened to Haley. And he can’t have Jack or Jessica finding his body on what they would expect to be a normal day. Going in his sleep sounds peaceful, but it would also be selfish. So incredibly selfish that even the thought of it makes him feel a little bit sick. He would never judge someone for wanting to die in the comfort of their own home, but he just can’t.

And he’s been thinking about his death since Haley died. He wouldn’t do it himself. He just can’t. 

He wants to die in a hospital. Or a care home. Or somewhere like that. When he’s old and frail and Jack can’t look after him anymore, that’s when he wants to die. Because then the person that finds him will be a medical professional and not his son. Because then it will be something expected, and everyone will be relieved that his suffering ended. Because then his team won’t blame himself.

Because everyone will mourn and there will be anger and sadness and fury and joy and hope and guilt but the guilt will not be because they did not save him or protect him. 

He wants to die somewhere where it would be expected because he wants the last thing he gives his family to be the gift of peace and the knowledge that he knew he wasn’t alone and that he had lived a long and exciting life.


End file.
